Untitled Short Story

So I wrote a short story way back at the end of 2009. I haven’t read it since – til today. Of all the writing I’ve ever done it’s all been non-fiction. The following is the only piece of fiction I’ve ever finished. I uploaded it exactly as it was written then.


I’m not entirely sure why I did it. I know that I did. I stood over it, trying desperately to figure out why. I mean, I know why in the sense that I wanted it. But the why in the sense of the reason behind the desire eludes me. I suppose it doesn’t matter any more. He’s dead. I’m alive. There isn’t really much more to it.

The blood wasn’t telling me anything, either. It’s a shame, too, because fresh, warm blood is quite the beautiful sight. No film has ever gotten it quite right, I’m afraid. It’s too thin or too red or too bubbly. Never the right texture – does water have texture? – or the right shade of maroon burgundy red. Beautiful.

I must say, his body bled for some time. Probably explained by the fact that there’s a knife embedded in his chest. And a giant gash in his neck. And stab wounds in his stomach. Yep, bled for a long while. Might be done by now. Another shame: the carpet will be ruined. Perhaps the next tenant will appreciate the splatter pattern. No, it’s not ruined. Me and my friend here just did some redecorating. The carpet, the walls, the ceiling. It’s wonderful. Upon consideration, it’s quite a marvel of luck.

Humans never die in a romantic pose, either. This guy’s proof of that. Did he really have to look like that, like a crack addict mid-freakout, limbs akimbo and tongue hanging out? I don’t like it. It spoiled my enjoyment of the scene. I could’ve repositioned them, perhaps, but that would’ve disturbed the moment. I dunno, I did it ‘n all but changing the image just seemed… wrong. It’d be like burning a photo. We can’t have that. I mean, I don’t like it but this is the way it is. I can’t change that.

It’s amazing no one came knocking at the door. The screams were loud. Rather loud, in fact. Someone should’ve been banging on the door. “Are you alright in there? Should I call 911?” they should’ve been asking. But they did not. Oh well. The authorities were alerted soon enough. I can’t remember if I called them first or after. Doesn’t matter.

Oh, that’s right. I called after. There’s blood on my cell. On the buttons. It was just a waiting game at that point. It was a good thing, too. Otherwise I woulda had to go replace these clothes. My favorite pair of jeans, now these are ruined. My favorite t-shirt – done. But, like I said, they don’t need replacing. My shoes, either. Poor, poor shoes. Even that ivory liquid shows up on black leather. Neat stuff if you look at it objectively. Subjectively, it’s sorta irritating ‘cause I love these shoes.

The knife, however, that’s just a meaningless tool. It’s a catalyst, really. Hm, there’s a word you don’t get to use too often in conversation. Or ever. I do like that word. Pretty much anything with ‘lyst’ in it is aesthetically pleasing. Syllogism, I like that one, too. It’s fun to say. And symbiotic, my favorite word. Good thing I can’t get blood on it, that would not be nice. I should think that if symbiotic had blood on it, it would be a nasty thing.

I wonder if this guy’s friends are going to miss him. His wife? Kids? Parents? It probably doesn’t matter in an objective sense considering I can’t undo this. I don’t think that I’d want to even if I could. The act is just so definite, so final. Seems like being able to undo it would be like undoing gravity. Just doesn’t feel right. I like that. It’s simple and yet complex. I should try writing a book of aphorisms someday, just to see if I can. I bet that would be fun.

No, you know what? Come to think of it, the carpet is definitely ruined. He pissed himself. And then shit. Yeah, now calling the carpet guys is the only option. Stabbing him without his pants on, not the best call I’ve ever made. But he was coming out of the shower and I couldn’t wait any longer. They’ll understand, right? Seeing red, all that stuff. Blinding rage. It wasn’t a gay thing. I was just impatient. He was wearing boxers, that’s something at least.

What was the order? Slit his throat then rammed it in his chest and then his stomach? I think that was it. The throat was absolutely first. Maybe the stomach next. I don’t recall. He didn’t fall to the ground after his throat was opened up. I found that odd. The first stab didn’t take him down either. Tough sum’bitch. But that third wound. Yes! It was the chest third, ‘cause he was bent over holding his stomach – oddly enough, considering his neck was practically a firehose – so, yes, I jammed the knife into his chest as the final injury. Then he went down. Don’t know if I hit his heart, but I probably ripped something open beyond his skin. Lung maybe. I have no idea. I never was interested in anatomy.

Seemed like there should’ve been some music playing. The silence sounded weird. Something should’ve been filling the aural void. “Let It Be”? No, too cliché, too obvious. “I Stab People?” No, didn’t want people knowing I listen to them. Something ironic, possibly. Jeff’s version of “Hallelujah?” Too indie. Zooey Deschanel isn’t starring in this. “Free Bird?” Too… Monty Python. “Back Stabbers”? Too Pynchon. I instead decided to go grab my iPod put it on shuffle, let it decide for me. Then I thought I’d just go with “Ride of the Valkyries.” At least they’ll think I got taste that way. I mean, I do but I want them knowing I do. And, this way the press won’t go after some current pop star just because his or her song was playing when five-oh came to the door.

How fucking dumb is that anyway? Just because two know-nothing fuck-ups listen to Manson, he’s the reason – the sole reason at that – they mowed down classmates? Fuck that. I hid my copy of “Grand Theft Auto,” too. Didn’t want Rock Star sued, either. They make great product after great product. Be a shame if suddenly they went bankrupt because of one decision made by one person completely unconnected to the company.

OK, I just needed to do it. It’s as simple as that. There isn’t a real reason qua reason why I needed to do it. You could list the usual ones: loud music wakes me up, that haircut, whatever. But none of that is an actual, legit reason why I did it. I just didn’t find his existence to be relevant to the rest of reality. He didn’t deserve to exist any longer. Borrowed time. That seems fair.

Jealousy? No, I guess not. I had just as good a job. The family? Nah, I didn’t want any of that. Less expenses. I just wanted to slightly alter reality. Ya know, change one part, a coupl’a particles in the universe. People reason this way all the time. The difference is that I chose to act. I’m better than everyone else because I’m honest. I don’t wish, I do. I don’t know if I was better than him, though. So many ways to measure that. Seems like a lotta work. Stabbing is easy. That’s a great band name, a death metal band I bet. Ladies and gentlemen, here to play their new hit single, “I Like Knives,” Stabbing Is Easy. Crowd goes wild. Sure, why not?

Eventually I’m gonna have to explain this to someone. That’s gonna be some work. I can’t even explain it to myself. Well, at least thoroughly or with any kind of authentic rationale. Maybe that will come to me one day.

Maybe if I had stared at those eyes, those (quite literally) dead eyes for just a little longer. They’re not quite blue-green but damn close. Most women have probably said something akin to “Those are pretty eyes.” I wonder if he liked hearing that. Men don’t often hear “pretty” directed at them. Usually, when they hear it, it’s leaving them and going towards someone else.

I should post a Twitter update. No one will be able to beat my tweet. “Killed a guy, stood over the body. lol.” Beats the shit outta your “goin clubbin wit da girlz.” Not a single word spelled right. And that person has more followers. Christ. Hopefully that changes. I should tell Alex to attach a photo from the paper to the tweet. That would be the ultimate.

No, that’s really more of a Facebook thing. I could have an entire album devoted to it. The pics of the body, the arrest, the trial, everything. Title it “My first murder.” Awesome. Ought’a get a dozen more friends. I should be writing all of this down. These thoughts are fleeting and need to be saved somewhere beyond my brain. Maybe add some videos to Youtube. That might garner a few more subscriptions. That’s what it’s all about after all. It’s a numbers game. The binary code keeps track of the number of friends. Is that ironic or not? I can’t tell.

That is, digital friends. Certainly not real friends. Given the average Facebook user, how many of said user’s friends have they met in real life? Fifty percent? Seventy-five? Not all of them. I doubt anyone on Facebook has actually met every single friend they have. Same goes for MySpace. In fact, I bet the percentage is less for MySpace. Way less. Like, it’d be comparing a puddle to the Pacific.

I have four hundred seventy-one friends on Facebook. I’d bet the average to be around one-fifty or two. That’s twice the average. I’m ahead of the curve. Well, the arbitrary curve set by me. But it’s probably right. Or close, anyhow.

Real life friends, though? I dunno, ten maybe. Of them, maybe two can truly stand my presence. I’d say that any given month I probably socialize for a good three to four hours face to face. Five to six on an abnormal thirty-day stretch. Rest of the time is spent feeling disgust for the human race. I think it’s most likely based on the fact that I don’t consider myself human. Sub-human or meta-human, whatever. I don’t care either way, just as long as I’m not lumped in with Homo sapiens. I’m not like them, never will be.

I guess that’s the answer to your question. To my question.

“So you killed him?” the detective inquired.

Oh yes.


I wanted a human connection.

On Louis C.K. and Common Sense Politics

Louis C.K. is undoubtedly the finest comedian working today. He marries the absurd and the profane and, in so doing, he’s allowed himself the freedom to go anywhere with his comedy. He’s as fearless as any comic in history.

He’s openly called one of his daughters “an asshole” on stage as well as discussing how nothing she says at age 5 is worth listening to. He’s says “faggot,” “cunt,” and “nigger” on stage without any hesitation. (Within that bit is an insightful discussion on language.) And then there’s “Of Course But Maybe,” a piece of comedy that may well go down as both the pinnacle of his career and an all-time classic routine.

Which brings me to politics. Over the last handful of comedy specials, Louis has emerged as a comedian doing political humor without being a political or topical comic in the vein of Lewis Black or Jon Stewart. That is, he doesn’t make his living being political, nor does his audience expect him to be so. Instead, when politics comes up in his act, it’s because that’s where the humor happens to be for whatever point he’s making. That said, the point found at the end of “Of Course” seems to have become a hallmark of Louis’s worldview – namely, politically minded but based on common sense. It’s interesting to note that common sense in this appears to be largely leftist in nature.

See, “Of Course But Maybe” (taken from his 2013 special Oh My God) ends on what is not only a fantastic punchline but also a valid point. I won’t ruin it, but it has to do with how humans are shitty to each other, and perhaps that’s how we achieved things like the Great Pyramids, the US railroad system and smartphones – in particular, iPhones and Foxconn. As he rightly declares, “There’s no end to what you can do when you don’t give a fuck about a particular people.”

God also find Louis talking about how men are the most dangerous threat to women and wondering why the latter would ever willingly spend time alone with the former. And he’s right. Over the course of history, he argues, men have been “shitty people” to women and it is a miracle that any woman would accept an invitation for a date with a man. It’s so historically recorded, ingrained and, at least for part of the population, sadly systemic of the male psyche that a term was created to describe the viewpoint of a man approaching a women on the street: Schrödinger’s Rapist. It’s seemingly feminist in its delivery and viewpoint. And is also derived from common sense.

But it’s only the beginning of Louis’s argument. He’s expanded on that same point – that people are shitty to each other – to include all white people. 2011’s Live at the Beacon Theater includes musings on when Europeans came over to America and called Native Americans “Indians”…even though they weren’t from India:

They weren’t even Indians. We called them that by accident, and we still call them that. Like, we knew in a month that it wasn’t Indians, but we just don’t give a shit. We never corrected.

It’s not politically correct in its tone. It is, however, more in line with the movement to excise racism from sports than it is with the view that Redskins is “just a name.” Which is to say, a bit left. And, again, common sense: Why call a person born in America an Indian and not a Native American if you knew better?

He then goes on to argue white people might not be from Earth because “we don’t like it here.” He observes that we need “smooth surfaces,” “right angles,” and the temperature to be just right. Then he moves on to discussing environmentalism and Christianity – or, rather, that many who oppose environmental regulations because they hurt the economy are also Christians, and how odd it is:

If you believe that God gave you the Earth, that God created the Earth for you, why would you not have to look after it? Why would you not think when He came back, he wouldn’t go, “What the fuck did you do? I gave this to you, motherfucker. Are you crazy?!

He then imagines a conversation between a person and God, where God is asking why this person started drilling for oil. Louis imagines him meekly replying with “Because I wanted to go faster, I’m not fast enough” and because he was cold. God replies, “What do you mean cold? I gave you everything you need, you piece of shit.” The man responds, “Because…jobs.”

God then demands an explanation of what a job is and why anyone would need one. The man explains jobs are for money, for food. God says money isn’t needed because food is in nature. “Yeah, but it doesn’t have bacon around it.” It’s absurdist, to be sure. Yet, under the silliness lies some seriously biting commentary of people, especially Americans. Yes, Americans are stereotypically gluttonous and the phrase “bacon wrapped” is a microcosm of that. Go a little further, though, and you find the seedlings of leftist economic thought: Communism.

[I’d like to pause here to note something. When I suggest that a portion of a Louis C.K. bit might be communist or leans towards a communist notion, I don’t mean it pejoratively. I’m not using it to frame an American media “Us v Them” mentality or anything of the sort. I’m not trying to be a talking head spouting off crazy shit on a cable news network to secure ratings. I’m simply applying outside analysis to help make a larger point. (This is to say nothing of the fact that I have a political science degree and can actually explain what Communism is and is not.) I’m also trying to avoid any arguments later that might devolve into this.]

Louis’s point is: What did humans truly need money or jobs or an economy for when life as we know it began? Humanity did more or less have everything it needed before money or government was invented, so what’s the point? Which, effectively, is what Karl Marx envisioned: true Communism removes the need for wealth, jobs or government. Hell, you could easily argue that the Garden of Eden was the first Communist society. Perhaps God is a commie. (I’d love it if one day we found out God is a Marxist. Holy shit, would that piss off the Red States. I think Ted Cruz’s head would explode.)

Whatever your opinion of Communism or leftist economic thought, Louis simply worked backwards from basic logic to arrive where he did. In that hypothetical exchange between God and man, he cut away any excess in human life to get to “What do you need money for?!” in a spectacularly simple fashion. He path was abstract and silly, but that’s what makes comedy so great: Louis CK goes places no one else would go, or even think to go. It’s also what makes his politically-minded bits so powerful – they’re based on reason and logic, with emotion and stupidity completely stripped away.

This brings us back to the trifecta of faggot, cunt and nigger. Louis’s use of all three on stage is defended by the comedian himself through a very plain argument: they’re just words. On stage, he didn’t and doesn’t use them towards a gay person, a black person or a woman. The terms are just that, terms. People may use these three – or any “offensive” word – to hurt others, but that isn’t Louis’s intention. As he explains:

A lotta words, they’re not bad words. No words are bad, but some people start using them to hurt other people and then they become bad. There’s words that I love that I can’t use ’cause other people use them wrong – to hurt other people.

His belief in the freedom of speech, especially in extreme cases, is consistent with other common sense views mentioned above. It’s certainly a liberal viewpoint – “liberal” here being classical liberalism, not the left-right bullshit term used in the US – but that doesn’t make it any less reasonable.

“Reasonable” is perhaps the best way to describe his stance on gay marriage from 2006’s Shameless: “Who gives a shit? It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t have any effect on your life. What the fuck do you care?” He then addresses the social component of those opposed to same-sex marriage:

Like when you see someone stand up on a talk show and say, “How am I supposed to explain to my child that two men are getting married?” I dunno, it’s your shitty kid. You fucking tell them. Why is that anyone else’s problem? Two guys are in love but they can’t get married ’cause you don’t wanna talk to your ugly child for five minutes?

Marriage, it should be noted, is how G.W. F. Hegel believed civil society should function: Everyone in a society should act as if s/he needs everyone else in a quasi-symbiotic relationship. It’s elegant in its simplicity and in its common sense approach. Or, to put that in Louis’s parlance: If we could all just be a little nicer to each other, we’d be so much better off. Which, again, is a leftist view. Perhaps more accurately, it’s more left than right. What’s truly noteworthy, though, is just how many times common sense has apparently led Louis C.K. to form left-leaning opinions.





Welcome to my website. I’ve never owned my own site before, so should be an interesting experiment. This site will primarily serve as an outlet for my musings, rants or other comments on pop culture. I may have a thought or two on politics occasionally, but that won’t be the norm here and isn’t my reason for starting this blog.

A few quick things about me. I started writing for the Badger Herald while attending the University of Wisconsin, between September 2007 and April 2009. Have a look at my work for BH here. I essentially learned to write as I went along, and my published work for BH reflects that.

After graduation, I moved on to The Line of Best Fit in March of 2009, a music blog that I continue to write for. You can view my portfolio (in reverse chronological order) by clicking here.

I’ve also written for ZME Music, another music blog. You can view my work there at this link.

Music is what I know best and what I’ve written the most about, so expect more opinions on music than anything else. However, that doesn’t mean I won’t occasionally write about television, film, books or whatever else I have publish-worthy thoughts on.

Anyhow, stop back once in a while for my thoughts on…stuff.